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About Deviant Member HelenaFemale/Canada Recent Activity
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As most of you who do follow me you guys all know I am a proud pagan well proud bisexual pagan because together they go hand in hand with me. But anyway for four whole years I have been following paganism and wicca because I felt accepted and was very blinded by a lot of the people in my church group. I have been poisoned by them so much that I actually became like them and became shrouded in negativity and going nowhere spiritually. I made a decision to leave my church group for several months and actually started to feel a hell of a lot lighter. I made bad choices beforehand and over time I have lost a lot of friends. Last night I decided for the changeover to go to it well I made a huge mistake with that. Basically I had two people I considered my family chew me out for one wanting to help a person and two making a choice that I don't wanna be around poisonous people. I am just at a crossroads just wondering if I should or shouldn't block and delete them just because of the fact I got a few friends that I do wanna see that I haven't seen in a really long while that actually do genuinely care for me. I am just thinking of maybe seeing them at the odd moots before I leave this town almost forever and leave all of this shit behind and all of the hurt and all of the mostly bad memories and move forward onto a new town and forge good decent memories and even if I do get the odd drama I'll handle it in my own damn way that I find fit for myself and not for anyone else. Anyway now that that's off my chest I am off to sleep with a clear consensus. 
  • Mood: Disgust
  • Listening to: Say what you say by Eminem
  • Drinking: Water
As I read through most of my journal entries all the things that have happened to me over the years I do believe happen for a reason. I'm going through a flurry of emotions. Most of my journal entries consisted of "I am moving out of Hamilton" and well this time it's going to be true. For the very fortunate few you are lucky to know the new town I am moving to for the few who don't well up yours lol.
I made a hard choice to lose a lot of friends but that was due to my anger and me shutting people out and being afraid to feel happiness again even in friendships. But the people that do stay and do still talk to me even through all the angry messages that seem to scare people they still stick with me and those are the true friends. I also made another hard choice to leave my church group but honestly I feel so much lighter now. 
My plan of attack is I am going to give notice in March or maybe April probably March then I will have 60 days so 2 months to find a new place in my brand new town. I feel this is going to be a better move than staying here in this town. There is hardly anything left for me here. I got very few friends and the friends I got are very few and far between and I want to keep it that way. 
I made mistakes I am not perfect at all so this is just me fessing up to having anger issues anxiety even before my mom passed on emotions up the ying yang because I let all the small little things get to me. I sit and think to myself what could I have done differently well I know that if I did do things different I wouldn't be here typing this journal entry out discovering things about myself making a shit ton of mistakes and finding shit out about my faults. 
I'm living in dump after dump and this time instead I am breaking that pattern I am breaking free of this depression and hating myself so much about the person I think I am becoming. I am constantly feeding it and feeding my anxiety and anger and depression and am so afraid to take chances in life. Well this is my huge chance I am moving onward and upward and moving to a whole new town and while I might have some drama I hope to become a new better person who can shine brightly and not have anyone take it away and keep people close but not too close where I'll get hurt. 
I open myself up too much and to some people it scares them away well that's who I am and if you don't want to hear it then please just don't waste our time. I am not changing for anyone I am not forcing a fake smile I am not taking medication for anxiety or depression it'll screw me up even more.
This is me realizing I need to break out of all of this and I think this move will help even if it's a small little bit at a time and not rushed I'll start to break free and spread my wings and fly and have some shine back. 
  • Mood: Anguish
No matter how much I try and try and try I always get thoughts that I am worthless, that I can't take living here much longer especially in this town how there's nothing left for me. I cut so many people out of my life. I like to call myself a self diagnosed depressive individual with anxiety who can't see any value in mostly staying in this town. For many years I've cried myself to sleep I sat and wondered why me I know I don't have it as bad as most people do but I'm 28 and still collecting ODSP I am nowhere where I want to be. I wanted to be a mom by now I wanted to have a great paying job and my own condo or a townhouse that I could live comfortably in and travel the world not be tossed aside because Canada hires immigrants instead of their own fucking people. I'm struggling to find employment to keep all my friends I shut people out whenever I feel happy like maybe I don't deserve it somehow I did something to make everyone so distant but most just can't stand the fact that I am a human being with emotions and not a programmed fucking ROBOT. Oh Laney feel happier, Laney take medication it'll make you feel happier, oh you should smile more often it helps sertonin levels, oh you should volunteer at places. I've tried volunteering they strung me along like a fiddle, when I try and smile I push everything down, I refuse to take any medication because I will become the monster I don't want to be. So fuck them I say I don't trust a single person. I only trust myself and my dog and cat. I've been betrayed so many times and well I just want to escape before I lose more of my humanity. 
  • Mood: Anguish
As most of you who do follow me you guys all know I am a proud pagan well proud bisexual pagan because together they go hand in hand with me. But anyway for four whole years I have been following paganism and wicca because I felt accepted and was very blinded by a lot of the people in my church group. I have been poisoned by them so much that I actually became like them and became shrouded in negativity and going nowhere spiritually. I made a decision to leave my church group for several months and actually started to feel a hell of a lot lighter. I made bad choices beforehand and over time I have lost a lot of friends. Last night I decided for the changeover to go to it well I made a huge mistake with that. Basically I had two people I considered my family chew me out for one wanting to help a person and two making a choice that I don't wanna be around poisonous people. I am just at a crossroads just wondering if I should or shouldn't block and delete them just because of the fact I got a few friends that I do wanna see that I haven't seen in a really long while that actually do genuinely care for me. I am just thinking of maybe seeing them at the odd moots before I leave this town almost forever and leave all of this shit behind and all of the hurt and all of the mostly bad memories and move forward onto a new town and forge good decent memories and even if I do get the odd drama I'll handle it in my own damn way that I find fit for myself and not for anyone else. Anyway now that that's off my chest I am off to sleep with a clear consensus. 
  • Mood: Disgust
  • Listening to: Say what you say by Eminem
  • Drinking: Water

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herenity86's Profile Picture
herenity86
Helena
Canada
I love animals, anime, and everything about nature, especially the weather.

I'm making myself a lot more positive, and changing my eatting habits a day at a time.

Wanna know more simply ask!

Current Residence: hamilton
deviantWEAR sizing preference: not sure...?
Print preference: any and every kind
Favourite genre of music: anything
Favourite style of art: gothic lolita
Operating System: xp and vista :o
MP3 player of choice: ipod touch
Shell of choice: turtle
Skin of choice: demon :o
Favourite cartoon character: Iskander fate/zero
Personal Quote: I'd rather be a complete loner then have a million friends I can't trust
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:icon222maya:
222maya Featured By Owner 4 days ago
thx for the fav  :)
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:iconherenity86:
herenity86 Featured By Owner 4 days ago
Your very welcome thanks for the Daft llama 
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:iconyoruichi-takashi:
Yoruichi-Takashi Featured By Owner Jun 16, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks for the fav on my new drawing! :happybounce: 
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:iconherenity86:
herenity86 Featured By Owner Jun 17, 2014
Can never go wrong with a sylvari :3.
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:iconalucard27:
alucard27 Featured By Owner May 23, 2014  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
thanks for the fav!
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:iconherenity86:
herenity86 Featured By Owner May 23, 2014
Np :)
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:iconabyss1956:
abyss1956 Featured By Owner Apr 27, 2014
Thanks much for +fav Heart 
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:iconherenity86:
herenity86 Featured By Owner Apr 28, 2014
Your welcome :).
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:iconserenitywiredesigns:
SerenityWireDesigns Featured By Owner Apr 27, 2014  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
Thank you for the fav!
I'm glad you liked my pendant:)
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:iconherenity86:
herenity86 Featured By Owner Apr 28, 2014
Your welcome :).
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