Having anxiety due to seeing a bunch of roaches after cleaning your counter top and seeing a bunch pop up.... being so beyond horny that your ready to jump any bones you see and wondering if your friends really are truly your friends.... What bothers me the most is these two things the bug issue that seems to be growing and no matter what i try they seem to be coming in full force I've tried declutturing. I've been up the whole night with my skin just crawling all over.... Getting sick of this issue.... Also some of my friends from my church group I have been there for almost four years now and the really messed up thing is that I've been dedicated for a year and several months and things were suppose to happen but nothing so far has really started in motion yet other than just one meeting for something private.... I was always expecting to meet this group of friends but now I don't even see it happening. I wanted to grow in my spirituality and not my religion but I feel that even though they want to spread good will and good positive energy they still bash christianity in and say they took this and that... I can begin to see what they are really like and how favourtism plays a role with a lot of people.... A lot of people do put on masks but who doesn't these days and basically I think they are there to support me spiritually but I also feel there's lots of secrecy.... Like why is it that everything in public class is shared and certain things are not? Are we not suppose to be a family and not keep any secrets? Are we not suppose to all get along and not spread gossip and rumors about people? I just find it weird that you need to become dedicated to the Gods, have an invite to a private study group where your in a group of people you get along with very well... But then mine wasn't really set in motion and it's hard for me to find a teacher I click so well with..... Then you become a neophyte, and from there you have your own private teacher, I was hoping to have all that done by now at least. Then from being a neophyte for several years you get to become first degree priesthood, then you go on and study to be second degree where you can have your own student or student group if you so wish I believe.... and this is only one tradition and then when you become third degree you can branch off and make your own coven this is the oddysean tradition. There's many many others too. But basically I just feel this wave of just too much going on again.... Its 5:07 in the morning and I haven't had a single wink of sleep either all because my mind was like eww roaches ewww skin crawling, fakes everywhere... Wtf do I do I am getting overwhelemed again I tried meditating tried talking it out but none of it works.... So basically there is this part of me that wants to be solitary just because there seems to be a lot of drama that goes on that is kept majorly secret and I can't stand that. I might just go to my tarot deck.