After much drama and bullshit with so many of my friends and they think I need to get more help because I keep beating myself up every once in a while mostly emotionally. Some people not saying names think me moving to a new town which I am in a few months is running away from my problems. I'd like to say it isn't it's going away from all the drama the liars, the bullshit, the hurt, the dishonesty whenever I ask questions, not ever answering any pressing questions. What do I "scare" people that much with my posts that they turn their backs on me. Do people think when I post that shit to take it literally? It's just how I feel I am not going to act on those feelings after being friends with people for many many years. I'm noticing another pattern in my life, I am letting people control me and in turn become controlling of them and it's a vicious cycle. I try and try and try to salvage friendships with people I want to see on certain days and they can't even sacrifice just several minutes. Someone else who will remain nameless has been telling someone else I talk to quite frequently of my postings on fb, what I post is on my own business and t's how I vent. If I scare people why couldn't they have told me this from the start when I tell people I like open honesty. It will what hurt for five seconds IF that then it's like "Oh thank you for letting me know that I will work on it over time just tell me if I am doing it because sometimes I don't notice." After so many years of emotional abuse from my own father who guilt tripped me into a lot of things I tend to do that to a lot of people too and some people just can't take it. So I lost a lot of friends who clearly were never friends to begin with. I have had poisonous relationships and stayed in them to try and fill a void but the void inside me has to be filled by myself and my spirituality and the Lord and Lady within me and my spirit animal.
On top of all of that I have been struggling to get a job full and part time because most of them require you to have experience, they all claim to be equal opportunity but even then I get emails as if I had an interview saying I have not been chosen for the position. Why email me saying that when you didn't even give me an interview? On top of that I am feeling unsafe in my complex. My landlord leaves the back door open and drug lords come through and sketchy people. Nothing hardly ever gets repaired here, I have had several near death experiences here where one I had to leave my apartment due to seeing smoke took my animals out and my landlord snapped and said why did you do that why did you take your animals? I was so close to saying to him "It's like me telling you to leave your son behind if he's trapped in a burning building there my family there my fur kids you clearly don't understand having four dogs you treat like shit." He doesn't care at all about the safety of his tenants nor clearly himself. He swears at other tenants and is truly unprofessional. The outside is disgusting and obsolete the people here are just plain ol nasty.
I need to get out of this town I need to get away from all of that shit and I need to start fresh and new and become a new better me even when I do have drama in my life I hope in my new place I can handle it much better than staying here. I need to just get out of Hamilton and have a nice new clean slate and become a solitary wiccan practioner and find some new (hopefully) geeky friends in my new town I plan on moving to. I want to move from all the hurt and pain I caused and other people have caused me over most of my lifetime. I want to just take everything and make it an absolute learning experience and start to become a better person instead of holding onto something that was never there to begin with. I don't want to feel this way about anyone who has wronged me because in one way shape or form I have wronged them as well even if it was through hurtful words, actions, or non actions on the other end of not replying. It hurts when people don't respond, it hurts when I ask people to come over and they just are too busy and I try and reach out to everyone and yet somehow I "supposedly" scare them by posting shit... Then if I do why do they keep me on their list why do they continue to be friends with me? I guess for most people I am just a bump in the road in their life and they can come whenever they please and leave out of my life whenever they please. Whenever I need them the most they seem to just disappear but then when shit is going great they seem to come back. I have been through too much to stay here in this town with all this hurt and all this agony inside of me. To anyone who thinks I am running away from my problems I'm not I am moving to the town I was born in and ironically the town my mom passed away in as well.
My goal is to find part or full time employment in my field I graduated from office admin get enough money saved up for my G1 then when prob in my new town and apartment with a new job there go for my G2 then my G. Maybe if I find an all inclusive apartment I can find something pet friendly. Find maybe a nice house to rent out that's just one floor is my own goal, maybe a large one or two bedroom. I know the almost exact layout I want now that I've been looking at different apartments for rent in homes and high rises and walk ups.
It's great getting to know myself and getting to know my faults and my downfalls and the kind of person I do not want to become.